If I were a woman for a day

As a man, have you ever wanted to be a woman, if only for a day?
As a man, have you ever wanted to be a woman, if only for a day?

So this is the part in the movie where the narrator says “wait” and the film pauses. You may need to know, the name is Jason Ntaro. A masculine name, yes? Indeed. Therefore, the views expressed in this story will be erm, manly. There is my disclaimer. Now let me continue.

If I could be a woman for a day, I would definitely be a lesbian. It can’t be that hard to cover up. Girls are always holding hands, hugging, pecking each other, staying the night in their little sleeping shirts (drifting off in thought right now). Where was I? Oh yeah, sleep overs. I would definitely end my day with one of those.

In my many years on this gigantic floating rock that we call earth, I have had the pleasure of communing with the female species in many different ways. This here is what I would do if I were you, that is, feminine.

I would wake up in the morning and rub my chest and shout aloud “I am breasted and I am proud!” While I’m being honest here, a man wants to do that to you girls. Be careful.

I would be rich. I would be stinking rich. I would be rolling in the CHOGM Gorilla (you understand, we do not have Benjamin Franklin on our beautifully coloured money).

Do you girls realize how much power you possess in your…um…hands? All you have to do is rub up against any weak Mister and he will be like, “What can I get for you ma’am?”

Sex. An elusive little bugger that one, for us men. You see, for women sex comes easy. They don’t have to strategize and go on the hunt. All they need to do is just say “We go?” and indeed men will go (remember the disclaimer)

But guys on the other hand have to deal with, and get past, that big lumpy old angry matron named Mrs. ‘Playing Hard to Get.’ It’s time consuming, money wasting and brain draining.

Let me take this opportunity to tell women something. At home, I have coffee, sugar, tea, cups, spoons and even candles. And yet we take you out for coffee. Why do we allow this to happen to us? Because you are anatomically different (read sex). So off to an expensive cafe we go.

Work? I’d go so I can leave. How? I’m glad you asked. I would throw a tantrum, and act out and blame it on my “hormones.” I would play the ‘cramp’ card and storm out. P.S. this only works if you have a male bole. I have always wanted to do that.

Wait a minute. Would I even need to work? Would I ever go hungry? Trek to shops or markets? Would I go about my travels in public transportation or special hires? No, please. There would be a particular somebody accorded those little ‘tasks.’ Being female would be a business for me, and men my employees.

I would take some time off in the day to compile and write a Mumble Dictionary. Allow me to explain. Quite often, men do not have the slightest clue what women are saying. They just nod and agree just to make you happy.

What’s strange is that girls all understand mumbling and engage in long conversations in the tongue. A Mumble Dictionary would definitely take top priority. Tomorrow I am a man again right?

I would spend a good portion of my day in the saunas and girls’ changing rooms, offering to help and lotion other girls’ backs. I would ensure that I invite all the women I rub (giggle) back to my place in the evening for said sleep over – you’d forgotten about that, hadn’t you? That’s ‘cause it’s not your fantasy. Fun times for me, oyee!

I would then endeavor to have a sex change. As a very good cartoon character friend of mine once said: “I cannot trust anything that bleeds for five days and does not die.” Disclaimer!

Not that I have anything against you ladies, but at this point, I will have married Amy Lee, the lead singer of the rock band Evanescence. So I really wouldn’t care.

But that is after the sleep over, of course.

By Jason Ntaro