Uganda’s New Year’s Resolutions – Better late than never

New Year's Eve Fireworks in Kampala
New Year's Eve Fireworks in Kampala

Kampala, Uganda | Kampala Dispatch | This year will be the year we get rid of leggings. I hope to work hand in hand with the Minister of Ethics – as soon as he is done with his campaign against homosexuals.

It’s a new year, but it’s also the same ‘ol’ country. It’s easy to wag our fingers and disparage our beloved Uganda, but what’s a new year, if not a chance to turn over a new leaf? To make new resolutions and such? That said, here is what I imagine the Pearl’s resolutions would be, come 2011…

1. On roads

I promise to go easy on your cars. I know I have been messing around with your shock absorbers, but I assure you that this was not borne out of malice. In so doing, I have created over 5 jobs. 5! The guy at the garage doesn’t seem to think that potholes are much of a problem. Actually, neither does Medi in Katwe.

I have put his kids through school by helping his shock absorber business flourish. But hey, if you want to make this all about you, then fine. I will style up.

I will have decent roads this year. And I really do mean descent, none of those little fill-me-up quick hack jobs that you’ve been used to seeing. We are going all out this year!

2. On corruption

To be honest, I sort of came late to the party, so understandably, it makes sense that everyone would pay attention to what I do. I called for it, and I think it’s only fair that I put an end to it. I have to tell you though, it’s not easy to deal with.

It’s like a cancer that has spread and each time I try to deal with a particular spot, it moves on to some other place. You have to believe me, I’m trying, but it’s increasingly looking like my people don’t mind cancer.

Nonetheless, this year will be different. I have about 8 people claiming they will do all it takes to root it out and, assuming it’s not all just lip service, one of them should be able to put your money where his mouth is.

3. On security

Last year was horrible. I feel as terrible about it as you do. Its my sincere hope that this year is nothing like that. At. All. I have the benefit of having fewer reasons for public gatherings, but there’s some stuff that appeared over on Wikileaks that may prove to be a hole in my sock.

But don’t worry, I’ve got this. Provided you lot do your part. And don’t believe everything you read.

We should be perfect. I mean, CBS is open, but that shouldn’t matter. We are altogether for the greater good, right? We want a peaceful country and we won’t let anyone take that away

4. On fashion

This year will be the year we get rid of leggings. I hope to work hand in hand with the Minister of Ethics—as soon as he is done with his campaign against homosexuals—to get rid of these atrocious leg hugging pieces of fabric.

We have tried to pinpoint the origin of these things, but for the first time Sylvia Awori won’t take credit for this. Not to worry. We shall deal with these swiftly.

Ugandan ladies (and heaven forbid, men) that wear them will be asked to make up their minds, either you want to show off your legs or you don’t. Stop teasing the public. No one likes a tease, we tried that with democracy and see where that got us.

Oh, this year will be the year of gladiator sandals. They won’t go away and with Spartacus coming back on air, we will see more people embracing these nauseating ankle warmers.

5. On politics

Let’s wait till after the elections before we agree to anything, okay?

6. On getting aid from other countries

I know from where you are sitting, it’s very easy to think that there’s nothing being done with this money. That’s not true. Whenever we get bailed out of our economic funk, something nice happens; you enjoy one more hour of no load-shedding.

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So yes, I will keep on asking for money from other people as they come and do as they want with me. Know this, everything I do, I do it for you. You people have already taken on foreign accents, so really, is foreign aid too much to ask you to take?

7. On New Year’s resolutions

Let’s just say if you stick to your New Year’s Resolutions this year, I will stick to mine. Okay Sunshine?